TOOLS FOR COMPASSIONATE & SUSTAINED CONVERSATIONS WITH FAMILY

By Kathy Huynh and Toby Wu

We recognize that the recent murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Tony McDade are yet another string of heinous and immoral acts that reveal the legacy and preservation of structural racism against Black people in America. With that recognition, there are lots of ways to reflect and participate in the ongoing public grievances and collective actions of the moment, including calls to elected officials and participation in peaceful protest. In particular, we were drawn to calls for addressing anti-Blackness in our families and communities. We know very well and first-hand that Asian American communities span a broad range of opinions and perspectives, informed by our diverse experiences and exposure. Given our generational circumstances, it is expected that we may differ in views on many ideas, such as the role of government or social change. Even so, we see enormous potential for building channels of communication.

From our initial conversations to the publishing of this piece, we have seen guides continue to emerge and equip our Asian American peers to hold meaningful conversations with families whose stances may not align with our own (see below). Drawing from our accumulated experiences as Asian Americans, LGBTQ, an immigrant, a child of refugees, a social worker, and an educator, we hope to offer additional tools for creating sustained and honest dialogue with our families. With that said, we are aware that the following content does not fully address the complexity of Asian American and immigrant experiences, family dynamics, or race relations in the U.S. and globally. Rather, the content aims to provide guidance on how to approach your Asian or Asian American family members with compassion and empathy as you consider holding conversations with them on difficult topics, such as perceptions and beliefs about Blackness and Black lives, in the long haul.

LOOK INWARD TO PREPARE
*A sample for this section is provided below.

• Reflect on your journey towards social awareness. Trace your own crucial moments and connections to the issue. Then consider the ways your family member might have landed in their perspective. Putting in effort to address these contrasts can resolve differences in privilege and guide your approach.
• Clarify your purpose and intentions. Get deeper by naming your purpose and motivations. Sometimes we mistake one desired outcome for what else the opportunity can be. Set an intention for the conversation you’re about to have, and set an intention for the broader relationship over time. These anchors will provide grounding as you navigate through these conversations.
• Recognize your emotional state and defense mechanisms. It takes energy to initiate and continue a conversation. What kind of energy do you want to bring into your conversation to align with your purpose? In new or stressful situations, we may feel insecure or uncomfortable, which can trigger natural defense mechanisms. These uncontrolled impulses can hinder our conversations but can be soothed to reach calmness. Recognize your defense mechanisms first and why they happen. Find ways to relax real-time to manage it during uncomfortable conversations and reach an approachable tone with your families.
• Determine your level of readiness. After clarifying your purpose and recognizing the energy you want to bring, assess your readiness. On the one hand, consider any baggage that you’ve held onto from family experiences and define what limits you may need. On the other hand, acknowledge any growth in your relationship with family, however limited, to spot room for change.
• Manage your expectations. With your level of readiness in mind, set yourself up for success by determining a flexible agenda that allows you to connect and navigate with purpose. How will you approach the topic and build on it? What do you absolutely want to share? No matter the effort, our plans do not always yield the ideal outcomes. Acknowledge what you can and cannot control.

HOLD THE CONVERSATION

• Arrive with curiosity. Asking earnest questions is a concrete entry point to the conversation. Start with their thoughts on recent events and learn more about what shapes their thinking. What insights can you gain into the assumptions that we all hold? Work to expand your narratives of who they are.
• Listen in. Be attuned to the details of their narratives and rationales. Muster up the courage to ask what moves or hurts them and spot where reconciliation is possible. Use this opportunity to locate where your common ground might or could be.
• Invite change. With a deeper understanding of your relationship, what can you ask or say to shift their thinking? This could be vetted information or questions to shed light on a hidden idea. If you feel stuck, then simply share your perspective and speak from the heart. Get to what you absolutely want them to know. Your vulnerability and story can also move someone to reconsider theirs.
• Exit with grace, if possible. Focus on the value of initiating the conversation. Name something you learned from it and acknowledge how difficult it was to have it. Change is a long process. Extend appreciation for effort and engagement.

REFLECT & RECOMMIT

• Check-in with yourself. Take a moment to identify and name your feelings. Evaluate to what extent did you meet your purpose and what you learned about yourself as well as about your family member. What worked about this conversation, and what didn’t work? Using all the data that you have gathered from the conversation, be honest with yourself in deciding if and how you might continue the work at this time.
• Get ready for more. Ask yourself where you want to take the conversation next and what you need to keep connecting. What else do you want to know about your family member? What ideas do you need to revise about them for yourself? Begin retooling yourself and envision a path forward. Communication can take the form of texts, e-mails, and images, in addition to conversations on the phone and in-person. More work is ahead, but you can choose your next move.

It is no secret that in many of our families, we struggle to get vulnerable and reconcile differences. Unlike conversations with peers and strangers, these conversations require a different path. Through these practices, we have been able to express more care and show up more fully in our families. We truly believe that there is potential for us to connect with our families in a new way, unfettered from the past, and through that, we can shift minds, narratives, and the participation of our families and communities for Black Lives Matter and more.

— — — — —-Sample for “LOOK INWARD TO PREPARE” — — — — —

Reflect on your journey towards social awareness. I’ve had great Black educators who cared for my growth and mentorship from social-justice oriented youth spaces. They helped me become who I am today and see the injustices in America from my own and other people’s experiences. On the other hand, my parents left Vietnam post-war and see America as a land of opportunity, because they are adamant that their lives would not have been the same if they remained in Vietnam. They’ve operated on survival mode: selling produce in the markets at 11 years old, lived in a refugee camp, and were physically attacked, stalked, and threatened by folks who are Black on our apartment grounds and at work. Their experiences as monolingual immigrants in America have been different than mine as a bilingual American-born college educated daughter.

Clarify your purpose and intentions. I want to be able to have conversations with my parents without becoming angered. I also want to broaden their (and my own) lens of America beyond our own experiences and tunnel visions because of emotional impact. I also want to be able to feel like I can still laugh with them after the conversation on other matters.

Recognize your emotional state and defense mechanisms. I’m high-tempered and haven’t fully progressed from this. I want my parents to go out and protest too, since they’ve been discriminated against in their lifetimes. They should understand how important this moment is (displacement). I’ve had screaming matches with them before where I will walk out of the conversation in anger and wanting to disown them (regression). I need to take deep-breaths and sit down to have better conversations. Maybe having food around will help too. Let me try to catch myself when I’m lecturing at them versus talking to them. Also, what makes me think I should, need to, and have the right to “lecture” them anyway?

Determine your level of readiness. For this conversation, I just want to be able to sit down in a calm manner and hear my parents’ thoughts about what’s happening in the world and our city. I can’t guarantee that I won’t walk out of the conversation, but to reduce the chances of that, I’m ready to commit to listening rather than responding when they answer my questions.

Manage your expectations. I don’t think I can talk about racism, US imperialism and institutional violence in this conversation; I can’t even define and talk about those things for myself in a succinct manner. If I do, I’ll get heated and potentially lost in my thoughts. I also don’t think I am the one to help them heal from any trauma in this conversation; I am not ready for that nor think I know how to yet. Let’s just collect their thoughts about what’s happening in current events.

Acknowledgement

We sincerely thank our friends with different stories who provided invaluable feedback on our writing and pushed us to be honest and embrace this important work.

Resources

Guides on Talking to Family Members about Anti-Blackness

• Isabelle Lee’s curation of “steps for Asians who want to talk to their immigrant parents about anti-blackness racism & Black Lives Matter”
• United We Dream: “Undocu Guide to Dismantle Anti-Blackness at Home”
• Instagram:
  @Taiwaneseam_org: “How to refocus the conversation to what’s important”
  @southasians4blacklives: “Tips for Talking to People in Your Life About Anti-Blackness”
  @gregorycendana: “Based on my personal experiences talking to family…”

Tools for Talking to Parents

• Letters for Black Lives;
• Aaron Tushabe: “5 things you can do when your conversation turns crucial”
• Carry Our Weight

Non-Profit Organizations and Community Groups/Collectives

• The Movement for Black Lives
• AAPIs for Civic Empowerment
• Freedom, Inc.

On Self-Care

• Instagram: @vahinishori: “Preventing Burnout”